I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
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I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.