He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
