i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..