Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
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I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
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He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!