Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Plan B is the new Plan A
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
