we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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