I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
