The brown eye won't let me do that either.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
