god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
