I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
