we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
