I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
