When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
