Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
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You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
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For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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