I think I am morally bankrupt
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
