True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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