Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
