i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
