obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
