My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
