He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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