Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
