I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
