I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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