My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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