The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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