We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
