I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
