I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
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she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
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There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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