Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Drunk is not a location!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
