I think im going to throw up on grandma
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
