you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
