i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
