Cold hands, warm shart.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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