Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
