do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
