If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
