I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
