She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
