It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
