just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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