Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
