I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
