I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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