I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
