my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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