I'm pants shitting drunk right now
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
