she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
