I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
