Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
