i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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