so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
