You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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