But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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