So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
