Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
