can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
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