My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Randomize
